This is the summer of sequels for the movie industry and as such I would like to take the time to talk about 5 sequels that should NEVER be made:
1. What's eating Gilbert Grape, how Gilbert got his grape back.
1. What's eating Gilbert Grape, how Gilbert got his grape back. (Starring Michelle Fox as Stella, Jude Law as Gilbert, Sean Penn as Arnie, and Gwenneth Paltrow as Gilbert’s mom)
In this heartwarming continuation, we join Gilbert and his family on the day after the infamous fire. Upon returning to the empty shell of what was once their home, the Grape kids meet the sheriff. With a sense of fear and foreboding, they read the tragedy in his eyes. The sheriff expresses kind condolences for the loss of their house, but has great news: Their mother survived! The cautiously relieved Grape children rush to the hospital, where they find the frail frame of their deep-fried mother attached to machines and being watched over by Stella, the kindly nurse.
Stella explains that the excessive fat in their mother’s body was liquefied by the fire, but the melting lard protected her vital organs until she was rescued. Though her skin was left burnt like a funnel cake on the last day of the county fair, her heart is stronger than ever without the extra burden.
With so much of their life impacted by mom’s fatness issues, the Grape family is at a loss for central tragedy. Without his embarrassed brooding, Gilbert looses his girlfriend and immediately turns his cheerful attention on Stella. The kindly nurse sees the years of pain behind his newfound smile, and talks Gilbert into a road trip with Arnie in order to fill fourty-five minutes with exposition on how his mom will be better than ever with skin grafts and nano-technology, interspersed with a montage of comical events at the world’s largest ball of twine and he world’s largest cast-iron skillet.
Post-road trip, Gilbert scores with Stella, Gilbert’s mom becomes the sensitive town slut, and Arnie suffers a head injury that turns him into Stephan Urkel, the suave town stud and renowned bio-physicist. The movie wraps up neatly with everyone happy in their new lives, but with some foreshadowing that just enough tragedy remains for a third installment.
Yes indeed not only does Gilbert get his groove back but so does his brother and mother. ahhhh family wholesomeness!
2. Titanic- Jack comes back!
2. Titanic 2 – Jack’s Back!
(Starring Sean Penn as Zombie Jack and Madonna as Rose)
In this alternate-timeline thriller, Jack and all of the other dead passengers of the RMS Titanic tragedy are back from the sea! Sent by Cthulu to herald his return, they are out for revenge on those who left them behind in the freezing waters!
Through a twist of biological memory, each of the newly risen seeks out the last still-living person with whom he had contact in order to manipulate him or her into following the gospel of Cthulu.
Upon first hearing reports of the return. Rose is overcome with joy and desire to see her beloved Jack, whose memory she would never let go. Following the trail of stories, sightings, and internet message boards (also in this alternative timeline, the Titanic sunk in 1994. Without cell phones and the internet kids just won’t watch it,) rose learns of a disused dock in the bad part of town where there have been an unusually high number of “encounters.”
Waiting for hours, Rose is just about to give up when she hears a gnashing, rearing sound coming from a nearby building. After climbing on dumpsters and crates conveniently piled to a high window, with just enough struggle in her high-heels, Rose is able to witness the source of the sound: The Zombie of Billy Zane (In this alternative timeline, he died on the ship. Not his character, but the actor. It’s complicated,) eating her mother’s face off! Rose suppresses a screech, but is overcome by the realization that, even if she finds jack, their love is likely not enough to overcome his insatiable blood thirst.
Seeking protection of the cloth, Rose joins a convent as a nun in Argentina. Inter-cultural hijinks fill the mid-part of the movie, lulling the audience into a sense of whimsy, until the day Rose visits the ocean to gather lobster (Alternate timeline, lobster comes from Argentina,) and encounters Jack!
At first it seems he remembers her, and their vows of never letting go are enough to keep him from eating her. He comes to live with her in a small cottage outside of the convent, where she still works but is no longer a nun (now that she is sleeping with a demon-controlled zombie.)
The third act is filled by should we / shouldn’t we / how do I not eat you and drink your blood drama, and ends when Jack kills Rose and drags her bleeding corpse back to the ocean.
With all of this, I am sure you are saying, “That would be SO much better than the original!” And you are right. But that’s basically twilight, so it’s overdone this summer.
3. Donnie Darko
Exactly
4. The Beatles Help! : weekend at Pauls
We find Paul a lonely Husk of a man sitting with Ringo star drinking tea. Two puppeteers pull the levers and animate the corpses of John Lennon and George Harrison. Mayhem Ensues when the fab four go shopping in London. The crazy hijinks are all over the place as patrons of the shops look on in terror.
5. Snakes on a Plane , snaked again.
Honestly how many snakes on how many planes can still be entertaining?
